Hello all who read my little writings. I have come up against a wall, yet again. God forbid things go right for me, then again I guess everything happens for a reason, though sometimes I wish it would happen to someone else and give me a break. I have said before that I am not well physically... emotionally... I have been trying my best to take care of everything, and in my current state, I am not able. I am just getting worse... my sickness progresses and there is nothing I can do to stop it. One day it will catch up to me... and kill me. But untill then I have been told that I should relax... not stress. And just go with the flow. Well it's rather hard to not be stressed when you have someone who promised to take care of you, so that you may stick around another year or two. I have been trying to make this experience here in Tiger Town work... I have worked over hours, and pleased my man as best I can, I have taken on responsibilities that were placed on my shoulder.. As I am not just taking care of myself anymore. Yes in normal circumstances I would be able to let this happen, but like I said in my current state I can barley take care of myself. My sickness progresses like I said. I have been working hard to make this relationship work. I have taken on two Full Time jobs, because my counter part, refuses to work... won't even go to school some days. He has been sick and in bed the last three days. I was sick three days ago... But I didn't let that stop me. I still went to my two interviews and my appointments and still I didn't relax.. I even then went to work... He has not taken on his part of the responsibilities. He promised to get a job and go to it everyday.... He goes when he feels like it, because his excuse is that he don't like his job. He don't like going to school. Yes, he has been sick.. But it's been three days now. When I was sick. I didn't let it stop me, I had to man up so to speak, and get on with life, because... Being sick does not mean you don't have responsibilities. I am sick, I work two jobs. I can't keep this up. I thought it was called a relationship.... Not just I do everything while he sits back and milks it.
I had a conversation with my mother, as she is my best friend. And she told me to do what it's my heart. Well all good that did me, I love him... I really do... I would do anything for him... But then I thought, would he do the same for me? has he even been trying? Does he want me to die? Does he even really care, yes he tells me he loves me, but I have yet to see it in reality... Maybe I should... just pick up and go.. and leave all my worries and stresses behind. But what will become of me? Will I find love again? Will the next person except me with my illness? Will I be loved again.... or even ever? Will I live my life alone? I just don't know what to do anymore. With my apartment and my two cats, Faroh and Diablo... I would have to leave my cat's behind... I would have to leave my friends..... And start a new all over again.... Quite frankly I don't want to start all over again. But then again. I do not want to be alone.. But is it worth being with someone when they make you feel anything but happiness? I wish I knew what to do.. I need guidance. I need answer's.

Yet again I have moved. This time my name is on the lease so I have to stay for at least a year. Still have yet to find a job, as I just moved in here yesterday (sep 2nd 2008) But I have LOADS of interviews to go to. Though I am nervous. I need to work as I got a new BLACKBERRY PEARL from Telus, and let's just say that isn't going to be cheap! But I am sure I will get a job and have my bills payed. :P

The US Republican Presidential Candidate is in a tight race with Democratic Presidential Candidate Obama.
How this is possible is beyond my understanding. I know that I am a Canadian and that I should not care about the American politics, but it goes to show you that whatever happens in the United States affects Canada ten fold.
Now, if Bush was a bad idea.... WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING THROUGH AMERICAS MIND!? Why not have 8 more years of fucking bullshit. These right wing extremists should be lined up against a wall and shot! Seriously. Yes, let's all have a great fucking time... McCain will be the cause of the next Depression. And then what? I would assume that he would be assassinated. How Bush managed not to get himself shot is beyond understanding. The US says that it s a free country, a caring country. When if you look at they're government... They aren't. It's just a Capitalist Dictatorship. The government run news stations such as MSNBC, CNN, FOX. Oh yes, quite. If the government wants something covered up.. They can! Freedom of speech should just be taken out of the American constitution. It's rather pointless since you can't really say anything bad about the government without being held in jail for treason. I really don't see how this country is the one in power. If the world were smart, they'd ban together and destroy American Government. I as a Canadian feel that I am FREE, and that I can do and say whatever I want and not have to face persecution. I will not say Canada has not had it's share of "fuck ups" Look at our Prime Minister. Prime Minister (The Bush of the North) Harper. Now. LOOK how dumb that fucking idiot is. If the Americans would just give Obama a try everything would probably go really well. Another thing that has been bothering me is that RELIGION HAS NO PLACE IN POLITICS. I have been watching the American News, and that is all I see.. God this and God that. Um.... Hello... What the fuck does god have to do with politics? NOTHING. You know what? Who cares if you don't get the religious vote. There are over 300,000,000 Americans. And if no one votes.. Who's fault would that be? America is far worse then the former Nazi Germany. I just can't wait till one country finally has had enough bull shit with the US. and just BOMB the fuck out of Washington D.C. Kill off the Republicans. And hey while your at it. Get rid of the Progressive Conservatives in Canada. I am sorry if your offended by what I have written, but as you can't do nothing about it. I couldn't really care less.

Brandon. Your are not getting it, AND, I have the papers dated here, if your still wanting to call me a liar.. I have not been playing you on the hope that you fell for it. But, it was to show you.. What people can be like. And if it cost me a friend.. Then yeah, it was worth it. Cause now I know you won't let the same thing happen.
You hear a lot of things from people, saying that I am a bad person. Look at Robert? He is a much better person now, then before. And you.. Finally taking a stand. You never did before. You let me get to deep. And I decided to turn up the heat. By saying I wanted to be with you.. Brandon. It all makes me look bad, and you already have labeled me. So this is a much waste of both our time. I cried to you, I fed you lies, and stories. I fed you everything... It was indeed a lesson, which makes me a bad person that I could not let you fully in on it. I am not a dumb person, but as you have already said I am, there be no need to argue that point.

The stories of Robert and I are indeed true, for you to think about. As I know the truth, and all.
I want you to stand... Stand up and fight the wrongs people do.. Fight the oppression. Fight the injustice! You Brandon, are destined to be a great leader. A great person of very high status. Not in basketball. But in the mind. You. Are going to be famous, I can tell right away..

You did everything I wanted you to do...

Re-Evaluate the stories, Dig for the truth. Put it all together piece by piece.. Mind you it took a bit longer then I had expected. But you ended up surprising me.
I am proud to say that I have taught you what to look for under the person.... Under what stories they tell you. Reading between the lines, was a weakness of yours Brandon... But you did it. And I can not say that all I have done was in vein. You did it. You found the truth.. You pieced it all together.
I will say that I am a terrible person for putting you through all of this.. And I do feel terribly for what I have done, but it was for the greater good.
I didn't want to see someone step on you. But, still. I had no right to teach you this.. This is a life lesson, that one is to learn on they're own..
I couldn't sit by and watch you... Watch you make the wrong choices... The wrong actions.
I wanted to protect you from the things I had to endure. The things that I went through.
Brandon. The entirety of the friendship has not been a lie.
One more thing... I can tell this hurts you... I can tell you didn't want to be mean to me. I could tell you were upset. But a piece of you was still "What if this was the lesson"
And it's true. It was. It is.

And now when I hear your name, or see you on television in near future. I will cheer, and applaud that I am somewhat responsible for the new person that you have become. Not a pushover! Not naive. Not so trusting. You Brandon are a new person. A person who now knows to read between the lines, and to ask the questions.

I never was going to let it escalate you know. I had indeed every intention of telling you about Abdullah and I... and dude... Paki.. and Arabs... Very different.
I was going to tell you about him today. And gauge your response. Which by the way, you acted just as I knew you would. Which means I have done my duty. I have made you a smarter person.

And since your not a child, name calling is not appropriate.

You want your jersey back? Then you are more then welcome to it.
But my things... Please feel free to Burn/Tear/Shred/ And or throw away.

And hey, believe it or not. You are THE BOSS. Don't let anyone say otherwise.


PS. If all you have is contempt towards me. Please don't bother writing insults. I am not easily upset by insults.
If you wish to be a big boy.. then please feel free to write your thoughts and feelings.

Okay, so I have started working afternoon shifts at work.... I AM WAY TO A.D.D for that shift. Like nothing happens. I know I was bitching about the morning shift, but I grew to love it. I even liked the foreign people. Just, instead of getting mad, I started thinking it was cute, cause if you pay attention they are trying. I liked the fast paced job. I hate this one, to damn slow. So I asked my boss for my Mornings back. I hope he says yes.